Reposting: The self destructive art of Justification

Note: Reposting an old entry  to get more perspective. It’s happening again with a very close friend and I am feeling extremely helpless. I shared this post with her to make her understand (which was originally written few months back after a full blown discussion with her) and all she said was, nice words. So you understand how senseless she has become.

Earlier it used to be me, and now when I sit back and think, it seems to be the case with nearly every other girl I know who is in a relationship currently, specially the emotional ones – the amazing art of justifying your relationship. And unknowingly repeating what your boy friend has explained as justification to his deeds/actions or the lack of it.

I am not saying all love affairs are dreadful or all guys are wrong, on the contrary I feel finding the right guy for yourself is one of the best gifts a girl can give to her parents in today’s world.  But you know there are those which do not seem right, right from the beginning; those relationships who even your best buddy won’t approve of but still he/she would be your side just because they are your best friend; those relationships which seems to have a tough future; a tough journey of togetherness.

And let me be very clear here I am not talking about head over heels type of love neither I am mentioning about love at first sight type love instead I am talking about relationships where love grows gradually, where the guy and a girl consciously decides to take the big step; where it is envisioned to go official and end into a serious relationship or marriage.

I can talk about this because I have made my share of grave mistakes, not once but multiple times, and each time I was too late to call it off.  And each time I had a best buddy who would not approve of it, who would feel something is amiss, and who would be honest enough to point it out unlike me, the one in relationship who would be afraid of admitting the truth in the fear of having a big useless fight, or losing the relationship which made me feel so secure, loved and cared for and took the easier path of blindly trusting the person in question.

And when at random intervals the questions were raised they were suppressed either by a higher tone or a mild ‘filled with love’ tone; at times by a well rehearsed manipulative answer; even by some emotional retrospective questions like ‘Don’t you trust me?’ ‘Are you out of your mind?’ ‘You trust your friends more than me?’ ‘Have I ever let you down?’ ‘I do so much for you, still fail to make you feel happy’ And you can go on to add some more on similar lines.

And almost always you would never end up getting the answers you aimed for, He would always have reasons for why can’t we make it official; why can’t even after 5 years of being together he can’t talk to his family; why is it you have never met any of his friends or family; why he has not stuck to any of the deadlines; why his divorce is still not finalised; why people who know you from his end never feel the desire or need to talk to you etc etc. In all probability you have either experienced or heard this or seen your friends in similar situations.

Luckily for me I am out of the emotional trap the ex planned for me or his strategies of controlling my mind and spoiling my life, now I am married to a wonderful guy and having a dreamlike married life. I have told the better half every single thing that happened in my past…yeah well not totally past the ex still is determined to spoil my life and keeps bothering every now and then but yes because of the transparency I share with my husband I can talk to him about every damn thing, and when at times while telling him how I fell into such a mess, I end up wondering how can I overlook the obvious facts, how can at that time I lost all my sense of reasoning and went ahead in such relationship, why i kept justifying it to my closed ones who raised eyebrows.

I don’t have that much anger for the ex but left with regret to let him control my life and spoil it in his own sweet way. I really wish not to have taken the path of justification and ended it in time. I really wish my friends understand this much before I did. I am not against the idea of finding your own love, there are some great guys out there like TBH and a lot more I have seen in healthy relationships but when in doubt always question.

I just wish I had the guts, the courage to ask the right questions at the right time and not went ahead without getting the answers.

P.S: This is totally a girl’s perspective, can very well happen to the other gender.

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4 thoughts on “Reposting: The self destructive art of Justification

  1. My Era October 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm Reply

    I respect you for the courage you’ve shown in maintaining the transparency in your marriage. It is not only the right thing to do but one that needs a clear heart and a brave person which you sure are.

    Trust me when I say we all have had our set of blind to mistakes moments and have made many mistakes and even blunders. The important thing is to learn from them. You are on the right path.

    Hugs and best wishes to you 🙂

    • onehonestwriter January 22, 2013 at 11:58 am Reply

      Thanks ME. I know about the tranparency thing, it makes life so simple and beautiful.

  2. diatriblog January 22, 2013 at 9:07 pm Reply

    I hear ya! I have made several such mistakes in my past. And will be married to the most wonderful guy in the world in less than a month! I guess we do learn from the mistakes we make, and that’s why we eventually find our true soul mate 🙂

    Good luck with the ex. They can be a pain in the nether region. Just got to be strong!

    • onehonestwriter March 1, 2013 at 11:35 pm Reply

      @ditriblog

      How did your wedding go? We are all waiting to hear the tales. And thanks for understanding the situation with ex, some gestures like this keeps me hooked to the special blog world.

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