Closures

I am a sucker for closures. Be it in books, movies or in relationships. Very rarely I end up liking open ended books or movies. Relationships without proper ending remain in my heart with a pang of guilt, grief, longing or plain pain. Same with arguments and fights. They keep haunting me unless I someway put a full stop. In the former it is mostly with an email or a message expressing my true feelings or what went wrong and in latter a heart to heart conversation amidst some tears till the fight is resolved, usually works for me.

After years of looking their profile on FB, getting their updates from indirect sources, staring blankly at their what’s app window, in last few months, I have resolved or rekindled few past relationships. Most of them started to make me feel emotionally heavy or hindered my normal functioning. It’s not a happy ending always, sometimes the other side decides to bother me for months to come, like in the case of my exes; sometimes it’s mutually agreeing that we changed with time and took different paths; sometimes it’s just a closed ended email from that side but it makes my life peaceful, almost automatically, as if like a machine, my brain stops thinking about them. Those people vanish from dreams, talks and thoughts.

Why this sudden rambling on closures? Because this morning I woke up with vivid dream of Sahil, my missing friend. In my dream he was trying to patch up with me after my numerous unanswered calls and emails. He was a Keralite and he even learnt pure Hindi to make me happy, offcourse in my dream.

So who is Sahil, he is a very close friend from graduation. He was my technical guide, my hung up system would start working even if he would sit next to me. We made projects together, we helped in each other’s projects. We won international award together. We were each other confessionaries. He shared his feelings towards my bestie, I shared what ever I wanted to. He saved me from fake disgraceful Orkut account. He instantly knew I would love Jhumpa Lahiri and gifted me one. We laughed at our own jokes in Hindi class. He would take me to shop for his mom after each semester, he would ask me to get rajma and cholla and poha unavailable in his city. He was the first one to introduce me to mac and it’s beauty. Every now gad then He would show magic with his visual and sound effects expertise. He was a special friend in every way. He kept in touch much beyond college, he called me where ever he went. He kept me abreast with all happenings of his life. And I did the same.

And suddenly one fine day he just vanished from my life. Stopped answering my calls or messages. Last FB update on his page was someone wishing him for his marriage. I was shocked, I was kept updated with the whole girl seeing process but not this. Anyhow after that I never heard of him, TILL NOW.

I kept asking around, common friends, his close aides from college, no one heard of him. I even went to the extent of tracking his brother on FB and asking him, I got a very cult response that the usual things of life kept him busy. That’s it. Few days later even his account was deleted. Imagine in this world of social connectivity when it’s hard to hide your identity he has left no trails for me to track.

Every now and then I keep dropping a mail to him. I no longer have his functional number. I no longer know which country he lives in ,which is for sure not India.

Last week was his birthday, I am very poor at remembering birthdays but I always remembers his. I wish him well. Hope he is leading the kind of life he always wanted. And miss him most during this time. Wish he would at least reach out to me one day if only for a proper closure.