Tag Archives: Marriage

TBH & I – Post Bunny

Last week LiFi wrote this post where she briefly mentions that how she managed things better when R worked from a different location because she knew what’s in store for her without any expectations. I can’t tell you how much her words resonated with what I have been going through these days.

Lately TBh has been travelling extensively and whenever he is away I am better off, I am generally happy, more energetic, better in handling bunny etc. Even when he is around he has loads of work in his kitty, both personal and professional commitments are keeping him extremely busy, but still I become this negative and nagging wife to him. I expect him to spent a lot of time with us knowing which is not possible as of now, I want him to help me with Bunny which is not actually necessary because I manage just fine without him. Worse still I expect him to do things without me even saying it loud, such a married women trait. And in response him asking the obvious, asking for something which is right in front of his eyes, such a married men trait.

On the other hand he is doing his best to accommodate me and Bunny in Delhi home without any troubles, in each of his visit he makes sure the home is clean and vacuumed and dust free. He has finally started to run the washing machine and hang the laundry, he has made our maid to put the various legumes, rice other dry groceries in sun and back in respective boxes, got the refrigerator clean, has asked me several times If I wanted any modification with regards to furniture placement for Bunny.

Still every time after his return I take a day or two to adjust and get back to my normal. I so don’t want these things between us, I just hate wasting time in fights, arguments and keeping mum. I know he is just occupied and never says no if I ask anything but sometimes I want things done without asking. Moreover I want him accustomed in handling Bunny, changing him, staying awake with him when required, in short except for feeding doing everything. Specially now when our return to Delhi is coming closer and there will be no more help from parents and i will have to take care of other household chores as well.

I don’t want our dynamics to change in anyway, I don’t like the negative me, I don’t like to bother him. I really need to work on me. Any suggestions in this regard?

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Shaadi ke side effects – the husband’s version

I had planned to write about shaadi ke side effects today, about few things that have changed for me after marriage. Then on breakfast today, I casually asked TBH that what he feels have changed for him since our marriage. To my surprise he had a long list to mention. Suddenly my list seemed too emotional, mushy and touchy. I decided to go ahead and post his version. Though after every point he kept saying, my biwi is the best, I don’t face all this but I am talking from friend’s perspective. You are free to make your own assumptions, I would like to believe my husbandJ. So here are the few situations which changed for TBH after marriage.

Confirming choices: According to the husband, this is the most challenging change. Now what does he know about which shoes/bag go with which dress, which color curtains would suit our white wall, what should be menu for the dinner when guests are coming etc etc. Now these questions are not only thrown but a reasonable answer is also expected out of him.

[I am guilty of this, I have only him with me most of the times, so while shopping, while getting ready, while cooking, while making big purchases I keep on bugging him with similar questions. And when he answers a sacchi (?) follows, he is like why would I lie]

Bathroom shocks: Seeing your bathroom filled with stuff you never knew existed. Multiple hair products, different soaps, face washes and alike. He says that my bright orange body shower loofah constantly stares at him when he takes a bath :P. When he was a bachelor one soap would solve all the purpose.

Being answerable: Being answerable to mundane things, how long will you take? Why did you take so long? Kiska call tha? Kya bol rahe the?Kab soage? Kab uthoge? Etc etc.

[All I can say is I am not all that nagging, I ask some of the above questions only out of concern or curiosity]

Being critical about expenses: About phone bill, about car servicing, about laundry, eating out, restaurants bill etc.

[I promise, I am not at all into this, finance is all TBH’s matter]

Making multiple shopping trips: TBH is a kind of person, who would shop on a yearly basis, like before Diwali or before an important business trip. But now shopping trips are planned, and executed on a biweekly basis. Stocking stuff for future, buying stuff for different occasions. This all is so new to him.

During Cricket Matches: answering silly questions like who is playing, what is a no ball, what is free hit and then on a very critical point, listening to a panicky ‘suno’ and the dilemma of strategically answering it.

[I am not the one who says suno, I know sports is serious business for TBH, in fact I have developed interest and started being updated with cricket related news]

Language change: Consciously using sober language with friends and avoiding swear words.

[TBH is not the guy who uses them or have such words in his daily vocab, here again I had to stop using the F word and limit my cursing]

Few more:

  • Having a shoe rack at home.
  • Planning drinking days and outings and looking for occasions unlike before when it was like ‘jaha char yaar miljaye wahi rat hai gulzar’.
  • Having saloon appointments, getting a haircut in time and also exploring more services and spending more bucks while the wifey is getting her beauty treatments done.
  • Being from an all guys household, getting surprised with all the possible beauty products & services and fascination for nail paints.
  • And the toughest handling mood swings without ever getting the exact reason for the sudden emotional outburst.

What can I say!!! This only reminded me of this scene from the movie Pyar ka Punchnama, go watch the clip and you would know what I mean. I have always sympathized with the guys in similar situation. And somehow feels whatever the character says in the below scene is so true.  I know it’s no easy feat living with a female on 24*7 basis specially when she comes in the other half category and have full right on the Man.

Would love to hear the big – small changes you or your partner feels on a daily basis post shaadi?

Food and Marriage

In the last post I mentioned that a couple (H &S) were visiting us. The Husband (H) is TBH’s friend for almost 15 years and they are like brothers; spouses at times and also business partners in real life. H & S married just two months after our wedding almost two years back. The guys were out for a meeting and S and I got some time to catch up alone. While having lunch S mentioned how the food cooked by me reminded her of her maiden home/mom cooked food. She said it has been long time since she had proper man ka khana.

I am pretty aware of the fact that H’s food habit are very different from others. TBH and I have discussed it many a times. His food habits are not only different but unhealthy in all possible ways.

Few of his quirky habits which runs in his household:

  • He wants ghee with almost everything. He can actually drink ghee.
  • He can’t eat any meal without sev (namkeen).
  • He eats very spicy food all the time.
  • He doesn’t like/eat fruits.
  • He is not at all fond of any other cuisine than Indian.
  • He eats dinner really late at night.
  • Once during their latest visit, he prepared lunch for all of us and used oil which I manage to use for a week.

How it is different from S’s original habits.

  • S has been raised up in a household where healthy food comes over anything else.
  • She loves fruits/raw vegetables.
  • She loves simple food with less oil/spices
  • She can’t stand sev with the main meal
  • She loves Chinese

Their Set up

During their early days of marriage S was nearly shocked to see how the food is prepared in H’s household. As a background, they both live together with H’s parents. She used to eat less than her normal diet because of totally different style of cooking and also because of kind of vegetables being bought which were different from her choice/habit.

She was encouraged to cook and prepare Chinese too as she loves it, she did that only to realize now there are three people on the table who are not able to eat properly. She got back to their cooking style, trying to put less oil/spices to every body’s benefit whenever possible.

She was telling all this to me and saying now its effecting her health to an extent, considering her diet has reduced to a large extent. I couldn’t agree more, in fact I also believe how food plays major role in your moods and general energy levels. I was like, ‘now your newly married/ shyness phase is over, you can absolutely voice your liking and prepare separate food for yourself at least on some days’. She said she definitely can and everybody will understand but it is too much of an effort for her with a nearly 9 to 9 job.

She was true, and I felt sorry for her. Even I felt how difficult it would be for her. This time during their trip I coaxed everybody to go to a Chinese restaurant as S likes it so much and realized H really ate very less and is not experimental at all. It’s disheartening to be sharing a table and seeing someone else not eating to his/her heart’s content. I was wondering that even when H would take S to her favorite food places, he would probably ask her to prepare something or would help himself once they enter home and as much as I know S, she would hate that and would skip the eat-out plan altogether.

This isn’t just S & H story, it must be true for so many couples at so many different levels. Though I do believe their case is a bit extreme and there are a very few possibilities of change.

I have similar story to share about another friend. It is not about the style this time, it’s about quantity. This friend of mine belongs to a big Indian joint family with all the ladies representing a different state. Abundance of choice is how the food at her place is described, I was a regular at her home, before her marriage, rightfully asking for my favorite food and joining any of her cousins on the table. But when I first visited her in law’s place or her place after marriage, I was taken aback. ‘Calculated food’ is their way. Less quantity, minimal wastage; it is okay and appreciated too, but so much so that the guest feel uncomfortable and eats less so as to not to spoil their daily/weekly or for that matter monthly calculations. She was reprimanded if any left overs accumulate in the fridge. Needless to say that was my last visit to her place.

This is such an understated fact in the marriage scenario. Food should be discussed in length before marriage. It is such an integral part of lives for people like us, that I dunno how I would have managed if I had to face something similar situation a daily basis. And unfortunately in most scenarios it is the girl making compromises/adjustments specially if living in a joint family scenario.

What do you have to say on this? What did you face when you got married? Did you had to adjust or not? Who adjusted in your relationship? How do you manage the differences on day to day basis? Basically how did you cope up with the different food choices?

I can only say I am very lucky in this regard. TBH and I have a lot of similarities, though we are two totally different individual but sometimes we are surprised with the kind of same habits/choices we have specially as regard to food. Or maybe we both are very experimental and not at all fussy eaters so probably life is easier this way. But I swear our Moms are more similar than us :P. That’s for another story btw.

The kind of guy I wanted to marry

Just stumbled upon this today from my old hard disk. When earlier asked about what kind of guy I wanted to marry, I used to give the below list half true, half wistful; people used to call me crazy for such a reply but in all honesty that was the kind of guy I wanted. 

In bullet points:

  •  A great guy (in all the senses good natured, friendly, helpful, sensitive, responsible etc. etc.)
  • A family guy (families are important to me and being good to people is one of the most important quality I wanted from the guy I would eventually marry), I always wanted someone who would take responsibility of my family with equal zest as being just two daughters I was always worried about this fact, I always wanted to be reachable and available for my family without any obligations or ahsan jatao scenarios. And moreover I love big family get to gathers, family weddings, celebrations etc. 
  • Someone who is a decision maker (wrong or right doesn’t matter but someone who is able to think sensibly and take decisions when required and sticking to it irrespective of the consequences because I for one cannot take decisions, I mean I am very poor at it, take eternity even to decide smallest of the things and then repent over them for another lifetime)
  • Someone who is a sports freak to give my Dad some company where both his daughters failed miserably.
  • Someone who loves movies, and can’t say no to re watch some favorites every now and then.
  • Someone who loves food (First because I love food, cooking, eating out, trying new places, new food, in short everything that has to do with food; and over the years I have realized people who love food are very compassionate people and are mostly fun people.)  
  • Someone who loves Driving: because I love being on the roads sitting next to the driver, I love the convenience of road travel, travelling without planning, short weekend trips, even sleeping while on roads etc. etc.
  • Someone who is settled in his career, because I knew I would be struggling for few more years I did not want the pressure of handling two career growths simultaneously.
  • Someone who’s Job allows him to travel the world and he is ready to take me along to all the places, open-minded enough to let me be on my own, to take control, to roam around and responsible and alert enough to find me when I am lost, which happens quite often as far as me is concerned. 

It was written long before TBH came into my life. People used to tag me over dreamy especially for the last two points, I used to listen to OHW get real, OHW marriages aisi nhi hoti from the likes of caring Bhabhi’s and Didis. My mom just used to laugh over me, sister used to give me looks like you emofool.

But guess my manifestation for such companion overpowered everything and I actually got a husband like that. Exactly like all the above mentioned things plus some more great characters which are hard to put in words. I feel blessed in my marriage and I know for sure it was manifestation and nothing else considering how much I tried not to marry him without knowing him even a bit.

To TBH,

Just wanted to thank you and let you know how much I love you for sticking with me through thick and thin. And after all, making me land in this dream world as against the bitter soup I prepared for myself in past years. Love you loads HONEY!!!!!

And all set to make our world more beautiful place ‘TOGETHER’ and experience what all it has in store for US.

Your,

Permanent Live- In partner

Becoming the Biwi !!!

So it’s been more than 18 months since my marital status changed. But it’s only now that I am observing the changes in me. I am becoming more of a wife. Here’s how

  1. A lot of things have started bothering me which earlier never did like the state of my home or the cupboard.
  2. The refrigerator and grocery being fully stocked all the time (with the number of people who visit us it’s a necessity).
  3. Maid being regular person in my conversations.
  4. Me trying to supervise the maid’s work which I never did or do not support either.  But lately the way she has been doing work and the amount I pay her, I better start doing the work on my own and spend the money to buy some fancy items. See I started it again.
  5. Every single time I went out to shop I unconsciously also explore the kitchen/house décor/ furniture sections.
  6. Kitchen accessories being part of my birthday wish list.
  7. Having a birthday wish list and constant reminders to the better half for the same.
  8. Having expectations from the better half regarding my birthday.
  9. My blabbering turning into nagging of sorts.
  10. This sudden urge to buy jewelry.
  11. Caring about the monthly budget/ keeping a track on expenses.
  12. Being upset when something I cook does not turn out that well.
  13. Being very defensive when someone in the family visiting us points out to any arrangement, suggesting an alternative or stating the need of it.
  14. Getting out of home with a loose pony/bun wearing my pajamas and T, not giving a thought to my looks whenever I go for veggie – grocery shopping/stuffing.
  15. Demanding constant updates of whereabouts whenever TBH travels for work/local meetings etc.
  16. Making sure the husband carries his wallet, keys, handkerchief, and his watch whenever he gets ready to go out for work.
  17. Looking for occasions to dress traditional wear.
  18. Bringing regular temple visit in our weekly routine.
  19. Getting upset by few relatives and their actions.
  20. Shouting/ Getting irritated at TBH for no valid reason or very small ones.

I am not sure it’s the age, it’s the responsibility of running a household or its marriage. All I want is not to turn into this super nagging, perfectionist kind of wife I want to stay as friends / lovers / flat mates do with TBH. I have to keep a check on this and unlearn few things.